: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
