Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
