i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize