shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
