the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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