I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
