Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
