I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
