I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
