Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Randomize
