so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
