Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
