my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
