I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
