I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
