Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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