it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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