Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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