You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
