Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
