Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
