Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
