I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I am midnight drunk by noon
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
