I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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