oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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