I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
