Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
