I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
