The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
