def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
