Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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