Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm sobbing to NWA
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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