I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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