Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize