i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
