I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Randomize