Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
