I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
