Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
