If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
My vagina is officially offended.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
