Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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