I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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