i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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