God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
