If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
