she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
