Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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