I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
