Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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