Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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