You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
