VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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