I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize