My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
