i think my tv is drunk
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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