My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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