"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
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